All campaigns start with humble beginnings and so The HEART OF WESTMINSTER BETTER WATCH ITS PEAS AND TURNIPS if animal rights in America extend to cabbages …
PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF ANIMALS in America are arguing that whales should have the SAME CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS as humans and should not be ENSLAVED in theme parks. This comes on the same day that British scientists have proved that they can EAVESDROP on a GASSY CONVERSATION between two cabbages using special CABBAGE FRIENDLY EQUIPMENT and PROVING that, just like DOLPHINS … PLANTS CAN TALK TO EACH OTHER. Worse, a cabbage, RUTHLESSLY HACKED FROM ITS BED releases a WARNING GAS which tells other cabbages to BE ON THEIR GUARD … and if that were not enough … they draw in their leaves tightly when they FEEL THREATENED.
So we are saying that, due to the sensitive nature of cabbages ALL VEGETABLES, be it a parsnip or a sprout, should have the SAME CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS AS KILLER WHALES – and SHOULD NOT BE A SLAVE TO THE SAUCEPAN.
We are suggesting that VEGGIE BENCHES be INSTALLED IN THE COMMONS with TRANSLATION DEVISES so that cabbages can have their say on matters of ethical importance, such as whether they should really be CHUCKED IN A BACK OF A VAN AND TRANSPORTED LIKE BATTERY HENS TO NORTHERN FRANCE. And so, from THIS DAY HENCE we are starting a new campaign group … PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF VEGETABLES.