So in the interests of national posterity and preserving all things worthwhile we would like to suggest a solution that would help to maintain interest and prolong the lives of all dead writers and it is this. HELP THEM EMBRACE THE MODERN AGE …. … CHOP THEIR WORKS UP INTO BITESIZE BLOGS … then let them REST IN PEACE as we TWITTER about the merits of Scrooge and Hamlet. And we see no reason why Mr Bumble shouldn’t tease the reader with his very own FACEBOOK page where Jamie Oliver could offer a more tempting alternative to a bowl of gruel although we do have reservations about Angus Burton’s assumption that Shakespeare would SHAKE A CELEBRATORY SPEAR on being crowned the BLOGGING BARD.

Clearly my blog is making an impact. No sooner did I suggest that a GIANT CANDLEWORK NATIVITY SCENE based on the X Factor – with JOE of course now the NEW JOSEPH – should light up Trafalgar Square – and replace the lights of Oxford St and Regent St as a tourist attraction – then Madame Tussuads have released a photo based on the idea.

They have dressed up, or should I say, “cast” their most popular waxworks as KEY PLAYERS in the nativity – and the cast list looks like this.

MARY – Victoria Beckham

JOSEPH – David Beckham

ANGEL OF THE LORD – Kylie Minogue

THE THREE WISE (debatable) MEN – Tony Blair, The Duke of Edinburgh and George W Bush

THE SHEPHERDS – Samuel L Jackson, Hugh Grant and Graham Norton.

BABY JESUS – suggestions please for THE MOST FAMOUS BABY ON THE PLANET.

Church leaders were apparently UNIMPRESSED and said it was DISRESPECTFUL but what they may have not considered is the impact these waxworks could have on CLIMATE CHANGE if they were to be threaded with WICKS and turned into candles.

My friend Angus Burton is concerned about whether the NATIVITY WAXWORKS would ever burn down enough to meet their MELTED MAKER … he feels some tourists might tip them in the fountain – or worse .. stick David Beckham on NELSON’S COLUMN.

That may not be such a bad thing … for GREAT LEADERS need to have COLUMNS … and DB does indeed have a battle before him with the impending WORLD CUP.

Given that BORIS is a LITTLE BIT OF A HEAVYWEIGHT the candle would LAST QUITE A LONG TIME and, as the Boris Candle MELTS INTO THE PAVEMENT it would double as a TOURIST ATTRACTION.

Well at the risk of sounding like the ECO VERSION OF SCROOGE this candle concept could be taken further. For the X Factor hit Oxford St this week when the twins John and Edward watched the OFFICIAL SWITCH ON of the X mas Lights.

But they are all missing the point! For in these eco days of conserving energy – setting Regent St and Oxford St aglow is simply contributing to one GIANT FAIRYLIGHT CARBON FOOTPRINT. So we have come up with a RAZZLE ‘EM DAZZLE ‘EM SOLUTION that would attract KINGS AND CAMELS from ALL OVER THE WORLD.

This is the e-plan for an e-X Factor e-Xmas.

The Christmas lights in London should be SWITCHED OFF.

They could then be replaced BY A GIANT WAXWORK CANDLE NATIVITY SCENE in Trafalgar Square.

The X Factor judges would all become waxwork candles and would make up the FIGURINES AT THE STABLE – with one or two extras to MAKE UP THE NUMBERS . Cheryl for Mary please and maybe Louis for Joseph.

In case of OBJECTIONS TO SIMON COWELL HAVING A HOLY PLACE BY THE MANGER we suggest that his waxwork could be placed on the FOURTH PLINTH in the form of HEROD THE CANDLE.

And, as for Boris … well … clearly … his CANDLE WAXWORK could be rerobed for the occasion … complete with halo he would take the form of BORIS – THE ANGEL GABRIEL.

But news reaches us that he MAY NOT BE HAPPY about the DRIVING FORCE behind the move. He is said to be upset that his record label, EMI, it’s been reported, decided to ship unsold copies of his album RUDEBOX to China, so that they could be CRUSHED AND REUSED in street lighting and road projects.

But Robbie’s concerns could be SHORTLIVED if he takes heart from the humble BOWL OF CEREAL.

For the TOP DOGS AT KELLOGGS have been upset about FAKE FLAKES – ie. corn flakes that LOOK LIKE THE REAL THING but are really not. So they are FIGHTING BACK with INSPIRATION AND SCIENCE by saying they will LASER THEIR “K” LOGO on to each and every flake.

Well I think Robbie should STRIKE A DEAL with the Chinese. In the same way as roads have names such as the M62, or the B5163 or Cherry Lane maybe the ROADHOGS IN CHINA could call one of their great new highways – RUDEBOX. Then from folding maps to google earth – Robbie Williams would never be forgotten.

Photo Credit: (NASA/Victor Zelentsov) - taken from Flickr

So, Ram, Angus Burton and I have taken it upon ourselves to write to GUY LALIBERTE, one of the RICHEST MEN IN THE WORLD who is ON A MISSION to spread awareness about water conservation with an aim to combat poverty, sickness and death. We would like to ask if he would consider squirrels too.

Guy Laliberte, accordion player, stiltwalker and fire-eater and the founder of the circus troupe, Cirque du Soleil, touched down in a Russian spacecraft this week after an 11 DAY SPACE JAUNT in which he wore a CLOWN’S RED NOSE throughout. The motive? TO RAISE AWARENESS OF WATER CONSERVATION. We feel he was thinking OUTSIDE THE ROCKET when he came up with this brilliant idea. So given that GUY the CLOWNING ASTRONAUT likes the colour red, is into conservation we have written to Mr Laliberte to suggest that IF HE EVER SHOOTS OFF TO SPACE AGAIN we think he could go down in history as THE SPACEMAN WHO SAVED THE SQUIRREL by exciting media interest and sticking A NODDING RED SQUIRREL on his SPACECRAFT DASHBOARD.

PS: Guy Laliberte once said “The wildest dreams can come true when we all invest our energy, willpower and creativity. One drop at a time, one step at a time, we can do it.”

It’s just as well that PANDAS EAT BAMBOO SHOOTS instead of MINT LEAVES for no matter how cute a lamb looks it doesn’t stop its leg from being SERVED UP for the SUNDAY ROAST.

Yet there are fears that the panda is ON ITS LAST LEGS. What’s more they should be ALLOWED TO “DIE OUT WITH DIGNITY”, according to one nature expert. He says pandas serve NO EVOLUTIONARY PURPOSE. Ram, whose father is a HUMAN RIGHT’S LAWYER, and PANDA RIGHTS by the sounds of it, says that THIS IS NOT REASON ENOUGH TO IGNORE THEIR WELFARE. But he need not worry.

There may be just a few pandas left that spend their time LOUNGING ABOUT like BLOATED COUCH POTATOES – either in captivity or in the Chinese forest grazing on a stash of bamboo shoots, but the chances are they will outlive everthing and this is why.

Humans, the most POWERFUL CREATURE ON EARTH seem HELL BENT on DESTROYING THE UNIVERSE for their own GREED AND SELF SATISFACTION. In time when MAN HIMSELF IS EXTINCT and ASTRONAUTS have been SUCKED INTO SPACE .. the PANDA WILL SURVIVE. For one thing humans will have PROTECTED AT ALL COST is …. the PANDA.

There can only be one logical reason for this … the panda has ADOPTED THE MOST EFFECTIVE EVOLUTIONARY WEAPON IN HISTORY – the ability TO LOOK SUPER CUTE.

Yet lambs are also SUPER CUTE but find themselves carved up on the dinner table.

Clearly, LEG OF PANDA does not taste the same with MINT SAUCE but maybe they should WATCH OUT. One day one of the “master chefs” may come up with a new dish to grace the table – ROAST PANDA AND BAMBOO SAUCE.

Even history is being debased BY FOOD ABUSES now. Many years ago people from Yorkshire and Lancashire WERE AT EACH OTHERS THROATS in a series of BLOODY CIVIL WARS which are now known as THE WARS OF THE ROSES. Yorkshire has the WHITE ROSE and Lancashire THE RED. They didn’t FIGHT WITH ROSES – it’s just a gentle term to explain the RIVAL FACTIONS in a VICIOUS BATTLE.

Today that battle continues, in a sense, but in an EQUALLY UNCIVILISED FASHION. Now, once a year, YORKSHIRE PUDDINGS ARE PLACED ON THE TOP OF LAMPOSTS and MISSILES ARE THROWN AT THEM in the form of LANCASHIRE BLACK PUDDINGS. Black pudding is made from DRIED PIGS BLOOD. This has become known as THE WAR OF THE ROASTIES. Angus Burton says that HE CAN SEE THE FUNNY SIDE but THAT IS NOT THE POINT.

Not only are we concerned that FOOD IS BEING WASTED but as eco warriors, we are BIG ADVOCATES OF PEACEFUL BEHAVIOUR. Accordingly we would like to see if FAMOUS CHEFS like Jamie Oliver and Nigella might support a BAN ON THE USE OF FOOD AS AMMUNITION because as Angus says, before we know it THEY’LL BE BLASTING ICE CREAM OUT OF CANNONS NEXT.

No longer the SCUM OF THE PARK pigeons are PROVING THEIR WORTH something Ram, Angus and I have always known as the founders of the RSPP (Royal Society For The Protection of Pigeons, see earlier blog). Pigeons have once again proved that when the CHIPS ARE DOWN, computer chips that is … they can SAVE THE DAY!

This week a homing pigeon called “WINSTON” has MADE HISTORY. Challenged to take on NEW MEDIA he raced against a “file transfer” AND WON. Office workers in South Africa were so frustrated by the length of time it was taking to transfer 4 gigabytes between two offices, fifty miles apart, that they strapped the data card to Winston’s legs and OFF HE FLEW! In total, it took two hours, six minutes and 57 seconds for Winston to leave Howick to fly to Hillcrest, and to upload the data from the card onto the call centre system.

“It was a little slower than what we were hoping for but it was overcast and rainy, with a lot of mist, that made travel conditions difficult for the little fellow,”

said Mr Rolfe who works at the firm.

Winston – who has over 300 followers on Twitter – tweeted several times en route; his comments including,

“FLYING WEATHER CLOUDY AND COOL, FEELING GOOD, NO MAJOR PROBLEMS TO REPORT.”

Then, the news that everyone, especially fans on his Facebook site “WINSTON THE PIGEON” were waiting for, ITWEB reported at 11.15 … “WINSTON HAS LANDED” … with the shock news that the transmission of the same data size , by computer, was only about FOUR PERCENT COMPLETE.

As is so often the case with ELITE ATHLETIC PERFORMANCES there have been jealous rumours from RIVAL PIGEON FANCIERS that Winston may have eaten PERFORMANCE BOOSTING BIRDSEED. Thankfuly these have now been discounted. The RSPP is now calling on everyone to TO PUT DOWN THE MOUSE (computer mouse AND PICK UP THE PIGEON for, after all, that old fable about the HARE AND THE TORTOISE can now be revised and updated … to be replaced by “THE COMPUTER AND THE PIGEON”.

The latest CHARLIE TANNER ‘EBE’ AWARD* (see earlier blog) goes to the Japanese manufacturer who has invented EARTHQUAKE PACKS FOR PETS. Angus Burton is KEEN TO GET HIS HANDS ON ONE for his obese dog, Henry VIII. He says Henry VIII “DIDN’T HAVE A CLUE WHAT TO DO” when his kennel vibrated like our houses did in 2008. He only settled down when Angus played MOZART’S PIANO MUSIC.

That earthquake measured 5.2 ON THE RICHTER SCALE and one man was taken to hospital after a CHIMNEY COLLAPSED AND FELL THROUGH HIS BEDROOM ROOF. Anyway THE HINAN JACKET, as the earthquake pack is called, includes a PADDED JACKET and RAIN HAT and SPECIAL BOOTS TO PROTECT PAWS. Each kit also comes with a waterproof capsule holding details of the pet’s address and a SPECIAL AROMATHERAPY OIL to sooth frightened animals. They expect to SELL LIKE HOT CAKES (or molten rock) in places like LOS ANGELES that has had more than its FAIR SHARE OF QUAKES. My friend RAM says he CANNOT SEE how these packs can AID THE HELPLESS GOLDFISH. He has a point. Angus thinks the pack should also include an IPOD with HEADPHONES so that pets can RELAX WITH MUSIC like Mozart’s.

Speaking of Mozart, it has been RECORDED IN HISTORY that when he was EIGHT YEARS OLD Mozart was tested by the ROYAL SOCIETY to find out whether he was really a BRILLIANT CHILD PROTEGE or a TALENTED DWARF. The tester eventually announced Mozart was INDEED A CHILD when, IN FULL CONCERTO MODE, he became DISTRACTED by a cat that DARTED ACROSS the room.

What it not recorded in history is whether that DARTING CAT had sensed an IMPENDING VIENNESE EARTHQUAKE and through his DISTRACTING ACTIONS saved a BRILLIANT COMPOSER whose PRECOCIOUS TALENT would prove to be soothing during times of national disasters.

Angus said he COULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD IT HAD IT BEEN A BULL but this was a DOCILE CUD CHEWING BYSTANDER who AMBLED TOWARDS THEM then, at the FLICK OF A HOOF, became a CRAZY BOVINE BULLDOZER. It seems that COWS ARE SHORTSIGHTED and if they SPOT A DOG they think it could be some kind of BURGER EATING PREDATOR.

Ram, Angus and I are concerned that if this LACK OF SYMPATHY FOR COWS UNDER PRESSURE continues then cows could be considered potential contenders for the DANGEROUS ANIMALS LIST. Yet it’s the dogs that GET THEIR GOAT and there is a solution.

The National Farmer’s Union have offered a KEY PIECE OF ADVICE to ramblers, … they say “If you feel UNDER THREAT let the dog go. Your dog will outrun the cattle and you can then MAKE YOUR OWN WAY TO SAFETY.”

It didn’t say whether a human can outrun a cow – there is only one Usain “Lightening” Bolt.

What everyone seems to have missed is this. If cows are SHORTSIGHTED then correcting that could be the ANSWER TO THE PROBLEM. We are suggesting that “SPECTACLES FOR COWS” be designed which would then reassure the VISUALLY IMPAIRED COWS that most walkers with dogs are harmlessly MINDING THEIR OWN BUSINESS. Who knows, perhaps BOVINE/HUMAN relations could improve to the point where cows could join the likes of Angus and Henry VIII on fat camp – and share the fat free picnic.